Healing from Childhood Abuse: A Black Woman’s Faith Journey to Healthy Love

Childhood trauma leaves profound impacts, often hidden for Black women. While we are resilient, intelligent, and driven, many of us carry silent burdens that influence our lives in unseen ways. Could it be that one reason so many accomplished women make unwise relationship choices is that nearly 60% experienced sexual abuse prior to turning 18?

I am one of those women.

My abuse began when I was just five, at the hands of one of my father’s cousins, and continued until I was around ten, when another cousin took his place. For years, I lived in fear and confusion, unable to articulate the weight of the trauma I bore.

At twelve, I convinced my mother that I was responsible enough to care for myself and my brother. This ended the abuse, yet the scars remained. The trauma sowed seeds of insecurity, doubt, and a distorted understanding of love. Those early wounds shaped my self-perception and interactions with the world, particularly with men.

I hold my abusers accountable for their actions, and I also blame my father for his absence when I needed protection the most. However, through my faith, I’ve come to realize that God ensures justice, as stated in His word. One of my abusers is no longer alive, and the other is no longer in his right mind. While this doesn’t erase the pain, it serves as a reminder that justice does manifest in some form.

For years, I viewed love as transactional and conditional. I believed that love required enduring whatever came with it, no matter how painful, because deep down, I felt undeserving of anything better. I struggled to demand respect, establish boundaries, or recognize genuine love when it appeared. How could I, when my foundational understanding of love was so tainted?

Reflecting now, I see how that abuse skewed my perception of love, and I know I’m not alone. Many beautiful, intelligent Black women find themselves in toxic relationships because the trauma we experienced as children left us vulnerable to confusing dysfunction for love.

The statistics are alarming, but the narratives behind those numbers are what truly matter. Sexual abuse is more than a singular event; it shatters innocence, trust, and self-worth. For many Black women, this experience casts a silent shadow into adulthood, influencing our partner choices, tolerances, and beliefs about what we deserve.

Growing up in the wake of abuse can distort one’s sense of normalcy. Toxic behaviors may feel familiar or even comfortable, as they echo the emotional chaos we faced as children. We gravitate toward what we know, even if it is unhealthy.

This isn’t about intelligence or strength—it’s about healing. And the truth is, healing requires time, grace, and significant unlearning.

For a long time, I didn’t understand how to heal. I quietly carried my pain, thinking it was a part of life, something I had to accept. Then, God intervened. Through His Word, I began to see myself not as damaged or broken, but as His masterpiece.

Psalm 139:14 became my guiding light: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” This verse reminded me that, despite my past, I remained whole in God’s eyes. I was not defined by my trauma but by my Creator.

Healing was not instantaneous, and it remains a journey. However, with each step, I’ve learned to reclaim my worth, establish boundaries, and understand that genuine love is unconditional and does not inflict pain.

Through faith, therapy, and community, I found the strength to break free from cycles of poor relationship choices. I’ve discovered that healing is achievable, but it necessitates both grace and proactive steps.

So, how can we break the cycle? How do we, as Black women, heal from the wounds that have shaped our lives for so long?

1. Acknowledge the Pain: The first step in healing is recognizing that we have been hurt. We cannot heal what we do not confront. It’s important to admit that abuse has impacted us and continues to affect our choices today.
3. Lean on Your Faith: Nothing is beyond God’s ability to heal. His love is unconditional, and through Him, we can discover our identity and worth. Immerse yourself in Scripture and let His truth remind you of who you are in Him.
5. Seek Help: Healing is not a solitary journey. Therapy, faith-based counseling, or support groups can provide a safe environment to process trauma and embark on recovery. Surround yourself with a community that fosters your growth and healing.
7. Redefine Love: Healthy love does not hurt. It is not manipulative or controlling. As we heal, we learn to identify love that aligns with God’s definition—love that is patient, kind, and founded on mutual respect (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

If you have traveled a similar path, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible, and your story can inspire others. Let’s break the silence surrounding these issues. Share your experiences, engage with your sisters, and initiate conversations within your circles. Healing begins with community, openness, and faith.

Together, we can cultivate spaces that celebrate healing and affirm our worth.

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

Resources for Surviviors of Child Sexual Abuse: Click HERE.

How can we better support Black girls who’ve gone through this?

What steps can we take to break this cycle and create healthier futures for ourselves and our daughters?

This journey is not easy, but it is worthwhile. We are not defined by the trauma we have endured but by the God who created us. He is crafting a new narrative—one of redemption, healing, and love. I pray that you, my sisters, find the strength to embark on your healing journey and the courage to demand the love you deserve. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that truth remains unchangeable.